Sunday, September 18, 2005

It's my party

The saddest thing about this story is that this guy is not an ex. He's a current. Definitely not my current, but my friend's. They've been together for four or five years and this is not the first time this has happened.

Last night was boyfriend's birthday party. We all assembled at his apartment around 8PM. I went to college with boyfriend, girlfriend and a few other guests. I didn't know anyone else but we're all in the same career field so we bonded quickly and started playing flipcup. Boyfriend was drunk out of his mind.

At one point, boyfriend challenges girlfriend to a one-on-one five-cup game. Girlfriend, being significantly less drunk, easily wins the game. Boyfriend gets mad. Really really mad. He tells girlfriend, in front of all guests, "I am going to punch you in the face". Male guests take boyfriend outside for a cigarette. Female guests stay inside with girlfriend and start getting ready to go out.

The men come back in and appear to be much calmer. We head out, hail some cabs and head downtown. Boyfriend and girlfriend are in separate cabs. We arrive at boyfriend's chosen celebration location--a lesbian bar (yeah, I'm serious). We all go inside, grab some beers, the girls start dancing, the guys sit back and watch the lesbians grab each others' asses, the girls realize that this is a lesbian bar and are slightly intimidated by the women that could easily benchpress the birthday boy (who probably weighs 230). A few girls head to the bathroom and when they come out, the party is being escorted out of the bar.

Cluelessly, I ask the bouncer why we have to go. The bouncer points to boyfriend and says "he just threw her up against a wall". "Her" was girlfriend.

Outside, we decide the best thing to do is separate the two of them and take them back to their respecitive apartments. One male guest comes with girlfriend and me, back to boyfriend's apartment to get her cat and her overnight bag (and leave boyfriend's keys in the apartment) and the rest of the guests chase boyfriend through the streets of downtown.

We arrive at girlfriend's apartment, lock the door, sit down to make sure she's okay and boyfriend is pounding at the door, threatening to kick it down. He is looking for his keys. Girlfriend tells him his keys are in his apartment, to go home and they can discuss it in the morning. Male friend calls the cops. Boyfriend threatens to damage male friend's car. Male friend announces the cops are on their way. Boyfriend leaves and catches a cab back to his apartment.

Then he calls girlfriend on her cell phone and yells at her for calling the cops and potentially getting him arrested. Girlfriend apologizes, tells him she loves him and that she'll see him in the morning. Male friend and I are stunned.

Cops come, complaint is filed by male friend, girlfriend refuses to give a statement, male friend makes girlfriend promise to keep her door locked and not go to boyfriend's that night. Male friend and I leave. I go home, I've had enough adventure for one night.

Now I've dated some real winners before and I've gotten in very intense fights before but I have never had a guy so much as raise a finger to me. Probably because they have all realized I would cut off their balls, shove them down their throats and let them suffocate. But that's just me.

This guy really should be an ex. Girlfriend needs to cut her losses (although how much has she lost?) and run like hell. The sad thing is, she won't. I'm sure she went to his apartment today and they're going to "work it out". And next year or next month or maybe next week, he'll get too drunk again and she'll piss him off somehow and the cycle will start all over again.

I hope next time the lesbians kick his ass.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

What a fool believes...

So, a couple of entries ago, CCG commented on one of her ex's showing his lame-ness via an away message. I've got that beat!

From the away message of Shrek (and please note, this has been up for an entire week now):

So I have a new job...I am a merchandiser for one of the top beer distributing companies in the country. And what does a merchandiser do? I have signs, and shoot a LOT of shit with people. Great huh?

At first, I thought "Well, good for him, finally getting a real job!" Then, I thought about it...he..."has signs"? What the hell does that mean? Then, it occurred to me (after much consulting with CCG) that this must mean he is in charge of bringing the promotional (think holiday/seasonal banners for beer companies) signs at bars and liquor stores. Either that, or he is...drumroll, please...the beer truck driver, WOOT! Or something equally as prestigious. And to think, if I hadn't made him fail out of college, he never would have gotten such an amazing job!