Friday, February 25, 2011

Jeepers Creepers

I recently went on a trip and since the mailman has not been delivering my Economist, I was stuck with nothing to read except Cosmopolitan. So I read it like a million times. And while I enjoyed reading the article that made Lea Michele sound like an insufferable bitch, I was a little shocked by some of the advice they are giving to women.

In the past, Cosmo has given really bad advice, like suggesting you use a thong to tie your hair back during sex. Or that you stick your scrunchie on your man's dong (Really, who wears scrunchies? That advice is sooo 1993). Or that you decorate your room by putting a colorful scarf over a lamp (Hello, fire hazard). In fact, more than a few times, I have speculated that the writers are making fun of their readership. But, of all the bad advice Cosmo has given throughout the years, this issue really took the cake.

The article in question discussed ways to meet men. Some of the suggestions were actually pretty good. For example, throwing a party and telling your friends to each bring someone you don't know. This is a good way to meet people. The chance that your future husband is already in your extended social circle is pretty good. Plus, you know he's not a total psychopath if your friend hangs out with him.

But some of the ideas were shockingly terrible. One was that you meet cute doctors by hanging out in the hospital cafeteria. Seriously. There is so much wrong with this. First, the food is nasty. Second, this is a place where people go when they're sick, not a place to go to meet men. That is just wrong. Then, there is the fact that you're bothering some poor guy at work. This is especially bad considering that being a doctor is really stressful to begin with. The last thing a "cute doctor" needs is to be hit on when he's trying to grab a sandwich and get back to saving lives. This wasn't the only suggestion to creepily stalk people at their place of work.

There was another suggestion to look up Realtors online, find a cute one, then call to schedule an appointment to see something he is selling. Really? You think it's cute to waste someone's time? Not to mention it is beyond creepy to stalk someone on the Internet then get them to meet you under false pretenses. Just imagine if this were the other way around and some creepy man looked for attractive female Realtors online and then made appointments just to hit on them. This is gross and would probably be grounds for a restraining order in some places. 

I find it incredibly irritating when someone hits on me at a work function. I would be livid and creeped out if I then discovered that the person hitting on me wasn't there on any sort of business other than to hit on women. Seriously. Do not bother people at work.

Also, really, Cosmo? You do a ton of pieces about how to stop creepy men then turn around and encourage women to be creeps? Not cool.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Crazy for you

I am an anxious person. This is a fact. You would notice after talking to me for 5 minutes. I fidget constantly. I worry about everything. I panic over mundane details. I'm better now than I've ever been. I think that's just part of growing up, you realize that nothing is really that important. The world won't come to an end if I take a sick day. We aren't all going to die if I throw a party without a signature cocktail. Really, none of this is important.

Years ago, I didn't realize this and still worried about everything. My anxiety was out of control and I was on medication for it. Though, once I sought treatment for my anxiety it got better. I really wasn't different from any other person at that point. I didn't tell many people about this because of the stigma associated with mental health problems. It was my dark secret.

Shrek knew about this. Telling him was a mistake. I was open and honest about everything and explained to him what my situation was like. He didn't get it. Or he chose not to. He insisted I needed a one way ticket to the looney bin. He took every opportunity to remind me that I was crazy. One time he couldn't find a shirt, and I asked him if he had checked his hamper. He screamed at me and accused me of not taking my medication. Because I suggested he look in his hamper. Seriously. Oh, and for the record, it was there.

He told me I would never be able to get a job after college because of my psychological problems. He told me I would never be able to have children or even a pet. He told me I would never be able to get anyone else to date me. If I tried to have a conversation with him, he would interrupt me by singing "Crazy." When he did not get the grades to keep his scholarship, he wrote a letter to the dean citing my "severe mental illness" as the reason he was unable to keep his grades up.

Seriously. Shrek was an asshole. I've tip-toed around the issue in the past by only bitching about silly little things he did. But, the real reason I hate him is because he knew about something I was insecure about. And rather than accept this, he exploited it.

I'd like to suggest that when the DSM-V is created, there is an entry for being an asshole. Shrek can be a case study.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Blown Away

I was at a Katrina fundraiser a while back and encountered one of the single most aggressive acts of jackassery ever.

I was on my way to the bathroom when I was accosted by some scrawny little French guy.

Frenchie: I am French and I want to tell you that you look perfect. Everything. Your dress (side note, I was wearing a navy Ports number and it was pretty perfect), your face, your body.

Me: uhh.....thanks?

Frenchie: I want to kiss you.

Me: No.

At this point, Frenchie aggressively tries to kiss me I am pushing him away while telling him I have a boyfriend and am not interested. He starts speaking in French. I start telling him in French (apparently he didn't understand my protests in English) that I have a boyfriend who is right over there and said boyfriend is going to kick his ass. After one good push, I run to the bathroom and lock the door. When I come back out, I quickly grab my boyfriend and leave.

Some women fantasize about foreign men seducing them. I find them skeezy and dread encountering another brazen and horny foreigner. Seriously though, there is nothing sexy about cornering some poor woman and trying kiss her when she has made it very clear that she is not interested.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Only in Dreams

I've been having really weird dreams lately. In one of my dreams last night (yeah, I can just hear everyone clicking away from this page now), I was at my parents' house with some friends and family members. We were washing cars in the driveway (my parents have a lot of cars). For some reason Fred was there. He was getting on my nerves, so I asked him to go get my car and bring it around. He got my car and drove it into my neighbor's garage and got it locked in there. They were out of town, so I couldn't get it out. I remember asking my mom "how the hell did that even happen?"

Even in my dreams, Fred fucks up mundane tasks. Loser.

Also, I should stop drinking before bedtime.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

I Love DC in the Springtime

OK, well, maybe it's not exactly springtime yet, but it's starting to get warm.

For some reason, as soon as it warms up, I am subjected to the ridiculous catcalls of creepy dudes. Yesterday was the first warm day in a long time. During my short time outside, I got an "oh la la," (no, he was not French), an incoherent shout from a moving vehicle, and the creepy guy who insists he's a photographer and wants to hire me as a model. Right. And this was just walking three blocks. I should probably add here that I am not wearing anything even remotely provocative. Seriously. I could be going to lunch with my grandma.

Seriously? What the hell? Staring at my tits and saying "oh la la" is not flattering. It's creepy. Just don't do it. And the photographer thing? That's even more lame. I am not going to be your model. I have a job. And the modeling ship sailed ten years and twenty pounds ago.

But, my real problem is with the drive-by pick up lines, mainly because it is not an uncommon occurrence. I am truly amazed at the number of men who think this is a good idea.

Why the hell do these losers do this? Has this ever worked on anyone? Dummies, no one is impressed by whatever you're yelling out your car window. Even if you do manage to come up with something truly interesting, most women are still going to be skeeved out by the fact you're yelling it out of a car. I'm really not sure what results these men are expecting. I really can't imagine someone being so impressed that they drop everything they're doing and jump in the car with some strange man and ride off into the sunset. Although, according to this month's Cosmo, the most dangerous mistake women make is getting in the car with strange men. So, who knows, maybe there are women this works on.

Obviously, none of these losers are my exes, but they're sure as hell somebody's loserex.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Happy Valentine's Day!

It's that time of year again. All of us here at LoserEx want to wish you a happy Valentine's Day. Since we've exhausted all our stories of crappy Valentine's Day presents, we've decided to give you your own crappy present to give someone else. Just print these suckers out and you have an instant crappy gift.  

You're welcome.












Thursday, February 10, 2011

LoserEx Answers Your Questions

Here at LoserEx, we consider ourselves experts on dating. And as such, we feel qualified to give out unsolicited advice. Unlike other advice columns, we're not very tactful. Actually, we're pretty bitchy. We plan to continue giving our advice to people who sound like they need it, whether they want it or not. If you actually want our advice on something, feel free to email us.

Today's question comes from The Washington Post's "Dear Prudence" chat.

Hi Prudie - I love your writing and now I come to you for advice. There is this girl I have been interested in. I'm sure we will get along great when we finally get together. Anyway, I keep track of her through facebook, and recently she changed some settings that allowed me to see a bunch of her pictures. Needless to say, I was shocked. From what I can tell, she has had THREE boyfriends in the past two years. She also has lots of pictures of her in somewhat compromising positions with other girls, and also lots of pictures with alcohol. I was expecting her to be a nice clean girl, but obviously now I feel I have to let her go. Is this a normal occurrence in the young adult dating world? Or should I continue to keep trying to find the right one. Thanks!


ZOMG! THREE BOYFRIENDS?!?!?!?! SOMEBODY SOUND THE SLUT ALARM!!!!

Seriously, this girl is not some harlot for having had three boyfriends in the past two years. That averages 8 months a boyfriend. There is really nothing bad about dating men for a few months at a time (also, I am assuming she is pretty young, so she should be dating). Based on the fact that you think this is shockingly inappropriate, I am guessing these "compromising situations" are probably pretty tame. Like, maybe she is holding a drink in some pictures or wearing a skirt that exposes her ankles.

You don't say how well you know this girl in person, but based on the fact that you were horrified at the pictures of her doing what are probably normal activities for her, I am going to guess the answer is little to not at all.

I'm thinking you don't get out of the house much. You sound incredibly sheltered and seem to have no clue what normal people are like. Or maybe you're just a member of a very conservative religion, in which case, maybe you should try to meet women at your place of worship. They are more likely to share your values than the women you stalk on Facebook. On a related note, do not stalk women on Facebook. It is so creepy and no reasonable woman would want to date you after finding out you do this.

Is this a normal occurrence in the young adult dating world? Or should I continue to keep trying to find the right one. Thanks!

It is not normal for adults to stalk people on Facebook and develop weird fantasy crushes on them. It is normal for women to drink. It is probably normal for women to end up in what you consider "compromising situations." I'm not really sure what your standards are, so I can't say whether it is worth trying to find someone who meets them. However, given your strange courtship habits, I think you need to see a therapist before pursuing another relationship.

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Mardi Gross

My alumni association hosts an annual party for Mardi Gras. It's one of the major events we have each year. Also, it is a formal thing. OK, well not formal-formal, but women wear cocktail dresses, and men wear suits (except for the hand full who always show up in tuxedos). I feel like I have to express this because people hear "Mardi Gras" and think "Show your tits!" It's not by any means a boobie-flashing kegger.

Fred and I went to the same college, so sometimes he shows up at alumni events. He showed up to the Mardi Gras party a couple of years ago (we were broken up at the time) and hilarity ensued. I've mentioned before that Fred cannot behave himself in public and often finds a way to make even the most mundane public events excruciatingly humiliating. Well, this time he really outdid himself.

Sure, there were moments where I felt embarrassed for him that night. His loud, brutish behavior, his date's wardrobe malfunction. But the crown jewel of the night was something I did not find out about until much later.

The venue at which the party takes place is a beautiful townhouse/gallery with a lot of history. The decorations have an early-American feel in line with the history of the place (so Washington!). It has several heavy wooden tables, bookcases and desks. Well, Fred decided that the furniture was too pretty to just look at. So he rummaged one of the desks and discovered a digital camera in one of the drawers. He decided to have some fun.

First he (or someone else) took pictures of him smiling and giving the camera the middle finger. How nice. Then, he decided that was not enough and took the camera to the bathroom and proceeded to take pictures of his junk. Seriously. He found a strange camera and decided to take pictures of his penis. Nothing I can say here will add to this.

He returned the camera to its location, leaving the elderly groundskeeper (to whom the camera belonged) to discover it later. And I'm sure he thought he would get away with it too. But, since he was smart enough to take face pictures first, it was really easy to identify him. The hand in the penis picture had a sleeve that matched his jacket in the face picture. Dumbass.

I hope he gave up self-portraiture for Lent.