Nice guys continue to finish last

Senior year in high school I dated this guy who was really good to me and a really nice guy but he just wasn't my penguin. I am destined to rule the world and he just wasn't ambitious enough for me. He was perfectly nice though.

So nice that after we broke up and he started dating a different girl and got her pregnant (although she was a little bit loose so I'm not 100 percent sure the child is his) he married her because that's the right thing to do (the wrong thing to do would be to tell her you'll drive her to the abortion clinic). See how nice he is?

Anyways because he is so nice, I feel really bad about saying this, but by definition he is a loser ex. And lucky for me my best friend from high school still keeps tabs on him and updates me on his life. Apparently he is now working at the Panera Bread across the street from her office. I told you he had no ambition. But the thought of him actually working to support his family (as opposed to saying "I'll drive you to the abortion clinic" four years ago) is really touching for some reason.

But it does drive home the point that nice guys really do finish last and that's sad. I'm still not going to date a professed nice guy though (not that sad).

Nice guys finish last...with me

I hate nice guys. There, I said it. Every guy in the world bitches that girls say they like nice guys, but then never go out with them. They whine that they want girls to admit they like assholes. Fine, here it comes: I like assholes. Granted, 90% of the guys who make this claim are not, in fact, what I would consider to be nice, and are either huge jerks, or have some other reason that makes them undateable (e.g. they’re obese or ugly). But, as for the 10% of guys who make this claim and actually are nice, I just want to say that I would never date any of you either.

The nice guy is one who is a complete push-over. He is nice to everyone, and he is controlled by everyone. He allows himself to be completely whipped by a girl who doesn’t even date him, as evident in his claims that he “is always there for her when she complains about the assholes she dates” or “goes out of his way to take care of her.” Look, you might think this makes you a catch, but you’re wrong. If you’re willing to let someone who is not dating you have so much power over you, you’ll basically let anyone have that power. You’ll develop deep intimate friendships with other women while we’re dating (and according to Triver’s Parental Investment Theory, this is more hurtful to women than you having an affair). You’ll blow me off for our Friday night plans at the last minute because little Suzie-just-a-friend has broken-up with her “asshole” boyfriend. You’ll have to comfort her, since you’re just such a nice guy.

When I date a guy, I want his full attention. I do not want to compete with the other women in his life. As far as I am concerned, there will be not other women in his life (with the exception of relatives) while we are dating. Otherwise, he is a crappy boyfriend with whom I will never truly be happy. You might think this is unreasonable, but hey, I'm not the one who can't get a date here.

The other problem with Mr. Nice Guy is his complete inability to stand-up to anyone. I want a guy with balls. I want someone who will stand-up to his friends when they talk shit about me. I want a guy who will figuratively throw down the gauntlet and challenge the jackass (even if it is his best friend) who slighted my honor to a duel. Hell, bonus points if he does it literally.

I could go on forever about how a nice guy is just undesirable. But, since I am just so nice myself, I am going to give you a few tips on how to actually get the girl:

1) DO NOT HAVE TONS OF FEMALE FRIENDS! I cannot stress this enough. If you can’t live by this, then at least don’t let them hang all over you, and don’t be friends with the slutty ones.

2) Stand-up for me. Really, grow some damn balls and stand-up to your bitter alcoholic, gossipy, conniving bitch of a friend.

3) Don’t let yourself become whipped by a chick with the idea that it will make her fall in love with you. Yes, I like to boss guys around, but I do not respect the ones who let me do it without dating me. If you let me do it, and we’re not together, I can assume you let everyone do it. I like a challenge. I want to work towards having you whipped, don’t give it all up too soon. This is the male equivalent to a woman having sex on the first date. If you do this, we will not respect you, and not want to date you.

4) Do not tell me you’re a nice guy. I hate this. I will think you're lying. If you say it, I will just think you’re a huge ass, and are bitter that you can’t get a second date (maybe even a first). Even if I believe you, this still isn't a good situation because, I (duh) don't like nice guys. I don't care about how every girl has dicked you over because you're just too nice. This is so desperate sounding, and I don’t date for charity.

5) No whining. Please. Only chicks do this. If I wanted to hear whining from my significant other, I would be a lesbian.

That covers the biggest issues. Of course, there are more ways to not be the nice guy no self-respecting woman would even consider dating, but it’s about time you took the initiative and did something for yourself. Find it out on your own. I’m not your damn life coach.

...and yes, this same entry is posted on my other blog.

It's my party

The saddest thing about this story is that this guy is not an ex. He's a current. Definitely not my current, but my friend's. They've been together for four or five years and this is not the first time this has happened.

Last night was boyfriend's birthday party. We all assembled at his apartment around 8PM. I went to college with boyfriend, girlfriend and a few other guests. I didn't know anyone else but we're all in the same career field so we bonded quickly and started playing flipcup. Boyfriend was drunk out of his mind.

At one point, boyfriend challenges girlfriend to a one-on-one five-cup game. Girlfriend, being significantly less drunk, easily wins the game. Boyfriend gets mad. Really really mad. He tells girlfriend, in front of all guests, "I am going to punch you in the face". Male guests take boyfriend outside for a cigarette. Female guests stay inside with girlfriend and start getting ready to go out.

The men come back in and appear to be much calmer. We head out, hail some cabs and head downtown. Boyfriend and girlfriend are in separate cabs. We arrive at boyfriend's chosen celebration location--a lesbian bar (yeah, I'm serious). We all go inside, grab some beers, the girls start dancing, the guys sit back and watch the lesbians grab each others' asses, the girls realize that this is a lesbian bar and are slightly intimidated by the women that could easily benchpress the birthday boy (who probably weighs 230). A few girls head to the bathroom and when they come out, the party is being escorted out of the bar.

Cluelessly, I ask the bouncer why we have to go. The bouncer points to boyfriend and says "he just threw her up against a wall". "Her" was girlfriend.

Outside, we decide the best thing to do is separate the two of them and take them back to their respecitive apartments. One male guest comes with girlfriend and me, back to boyfriend's apartment to get her cat and her overnight bag (and leave boyfriend's keys in the apartment) and the rest of the guests chase boyfriend through the streets of downtown.

We arrive at girlfriend's apartment, lock the door, sit down to make sure she's okay and boyfriend is pounding at the door, threatening to kick it down. He is looking for his keys. Girlfriend tells him his keys are in his apartment, to go home and they can discuss it in the morning. Male friend calls the cops. Boyfriend threatens to damage male friend's car. Male friend announces the cops are on their way. Boyfriend leaves and catches a cab back to his apartment.

Then he calls girlfriend on her cell phone and yells at her for calling the cops and potentially getting him arrested. Girlfriend apologizes, tells him she loves him and that she'll see him in the morning. Male friend and I are stunned.

Cops come, complaint is filed by male friend, girlfriend refuses to give a statement, male friend makes girlfriend promise to keep her door locked and not go to boyfriend's that night. Male friend and I leave. I go home, I've had enough adventure for one night.

Now I've dated some real winners before and I've gotten in very intense fights before but I have never had a guy so much as raise a finger to me. Probably because they have all realized I would cut off their balls, shove them down their throats and let them suffocate. But that's just me.

This guy really should be an ex. Girlfriend needs to cut her losses (although how much has she lost?) and run like hell. The sad thing is, she won't. I'm sure she went to his apartment today and they're going to "work it out". And next year or next month or maybe next week, he'll get too drunk again and she'll piss him off somehow and the cycle will start all over again.

I hope next time the lesbians kick his ass.

What a fool believes...

So, a couple of entries ago, CCG commented on one of her ex's showing his lame-ness via an away message. I've got that beat!

From the away message of Shrek (and please note, this has been up for an entire week now):

So I have a new job...I am a merchandiser for one of the top beer distributing companies in the country. And what does a merchandiser do? I have signs, and shoot a LOT of shit with people. Great huh?

At first, I thought "Well, good for him, finally getting a real job!" Then, I thought about it...he..."has signs"? What the hell does that mean? Then, it occurred to me (after much consulting with CCG) that this must mean he is in charge of bringing the promotional (think holiday/seasonal banners for beer companies) signs at bars and liquor stores. Either that, or he is...drumroll, please...the beer truck driver, WOOT! Or something equally as prestigious. And to think, if I hadn't made him fail out of college, he never would have gotten such an amazing job!

Some Thoughts on the Site

In communist China, in the years after Mao's revolution, an important part of building a new culture was allowing people to complain about their past. At first, the more they complained, the worse the past would seem. But by venting, people could start to resolve the past. By bitching and bitching and bitching, they could exhaust the drama of their own horror stories. Grow bored. Only then could they accept a new story for their lives. Move forward.
-- Chuck Palahniuk

I started this page right after my relationship with Shrek ended. At the time I was bitter, and needed to get some things out. This site was the best way for me to go about doing that. I added complaints about the two other people I've dated, and invited friends to complain about their exes in a (half-assed) attempted to universalize my experience. If you've been reading along, you'll notice my entries have become less spiteful and less frequent as my resentment towards the situation has faded. Through all of this, I have been able to get past what I've been through. Now I can accept a new story for my life. But, I'll still try to think of something to write about the exes on here, just to keep everyone entertained.

Grow up already!

So I was reading away messages last night and I came across ABs. Quick refresher: AB is the sketchy guy who I dumped because he wore nasty boxers and google-searched me and I thought that was sketchy.
His away message was: "In line at [local bookstore] to get my copy of Harry Potter at midnight. I need a girlfriend."
Um, how should I break this gently? Any guy who spends Friday night in line at a bookstore for a CHILDREN'S BOOK is not capable of maintaining a decent relationship.
AB probably picked up his book at midnight, went home and stayed up for four more hours to read it, then looked at some kiddie porn and jerked off and fell asleep in his ratty-ass boxers. What girl thinks that sounds like her dream man?
I don't care what anyone says, Harry Potter books are for children (okay, maybe "tweens"). They are not for adults, unless said adult is a child-molester.

He's a Little Strange, But I'll Keep Him

My current boyfriend has rather strange ideas about clothing and general appearances. I'll document a few of them quickly.

His Own Appearance:

I don't think this boy owns anything that didn't come from the thrift store. While he has made some pretty good finds there, most of it consists of t-shirts that were probably free in the first place. So basically, he's paying for a shirt that the original owner got for free, which I think negates the utility of the thrift store.

He also does not own a single pair of jeans. He wears only khakis. This alone would not bother me (hey, I like khakis), but he only has 3 pairs of them and all have holes and grass stains all over them. Whenever he goes out and wants to look nice, he wears the least holey pair of khakis and the same pink striped button-down shirt. The shirt itself isn't bad, but it is really thin and he never wears an undershirt with it. So, in certain lights, you can see through it.

My Appearance:

My current hates it when I straighten my hair. He says that it looks so much better when it is wavy. Now, I'm the type of girl who straightens her hair everyday, so at first I refused to stop. I mean, I like my hair better straight--my natural hair texture is that strange mixture of straight and wavy that just looks unkempt. But after months of hearing him complain about it, I finally relented and retired my hair straightener.

Recently, he saw me wearing my glasses, because my contacts were bothering me. So now he's decided that my glasses are the cutest thing ever and that I should start wearing them all the time. This is one thing that will never happen. I hate my glasses. Hand to God, I look like Mary from Its a Wonderful Life if she had never met George Bailey.

Look Ma! No hands!

My high school boyfriend was, among other things, a neurotic--to the point that he reminded me of my grandmother, who up until that point I thought was the most neurotic, anal person on the planet.

The ex had this bizarre quark: he refused to touch food with his hands. This includes fast food, french fries and other normal finger foods. I distinctly remember that during long road trips I would have to feed him his McDonald's french fries. It wasn't that he was afraid of germs or anything like that. He was just terrified of having grease or food residue on his fingers.

Weird, no?

Seems I've Made the Right Decision

My last post inspired me to make a "Where are they now?" entry to tell all my good post-break-up stories.

Boris- Since we broke up, he went to college, graduated with a degree in mathematics and computer science, and is currently looking for a job. During his time in college, he was a very active member of a medieval battle club. Their annual event was to go to a "war" which was about two weeks long, in the woods somewhere. Geeks of all ages would unite to have mock battles all day. A girl there sent him a love note, requesting he meet her somewhere, but he blew her off.

Fruit Fly- Graduated high school, went to college, got a driver's license (still no car), and became a huge pot-head. Before going to college, he was sleeping with some gimpy girl who had the clap. He has spent his time at college sleeping with everything that walks (or hobbles) and has a vagina (or anywhere else to put it- I think he may have started going for men). He still has a million pictures he painted of me in his apartment, which made his most recent girlfriend jealous. She was also mad that he was still madly in love with another ex (not me) who lives a few states away. I want to meet the girl he is madly in love with, but she hates me, because my loserex called her my name in bed. Oops. Eric says she is beyond ugly. I can't say one way or the other though, since I have never seen a picture. I still find it hard to believe that he really loves this girl like he says he does. If he really did, he wouldn't be sleeping around with everyone else in the world.

Shrek- I think he said it better than I ever could. Check out the last entry if you don't believe me. One post break-up moment that sticks out for me is the online conversation we had about 6 weeks after the break-up. I guess when he found out I was dating someone else, he realized I had no intention of coming back to him. So, he sent me a bunch of IM's inquiring as to whether or not I had (or rather, accusing me of having) cheated on him with the guy I am currently dating. The conversation went something like this:

Fatass: Were you f*cking your neighbor before or after we broke up?
Me: Neither, thank you. I started dating my neighbor after we broke up, and my personal life no longer concerns you.
Fatass: I don't care who you're with, but it is my business whether or not I need to get tested for an STD.
Me: You know I never cheated on you, don't even try to pull that card. You're just being bitter.
Fatass: I heard you're talking shit about me.
Me: What did you hear?
Fatass: that you said I'm an asshole
Me: Well, you are.

It went on like that for a few minutes, then ended with him asking when he should bring some of my stuff over. I told him that I would send some people to pick it up from his dorm, since there was no way I was letting that ogre anywhere near my room.

Since this conversation, he went on to fail out of school, which was somehow my fault (awesome, I never knew I had so much power). If you want to know what happened to him after that, just read his livejournal, as it is just too ridiculous for me to even begin to explain.

See guys, I'm the best you'll ever have, and your pitiful lives will go to hell without me.

Hey RGB-

What ever happened to the guy who blamed you for flunking out of college? Just curious.

I hate it when people don't know when to leave.

I love having people over for dinner (I hate cooking for just one person) and I enjoy good conversation BUT I have things to do. Things like my laundry. Things that I really don't want or need Mr. Daisy's supervision to do.

And it's not just tonight. It's every time he comes over. It's really obnoxious.

(But come to think of it, it was really obnoxious when we were dating too.)

You don't care if it's wrong or if it is right

I think I'm just going to make it MB month.

I think I've said this before, but when MB and I were dating I was really really sick with RA. For those of you who aren't familiar with the symptoms of this disease, you can look it up on WebMD. Basically imagine the worst case scenario and that's where I was (and this time I am honestly not exaggerating).

When I was first diagnosed I could hide the pain. I didn't limp and as long as I didn't sit in the same position for too long I was okay. But of course things got much worse before they got better (and they did get better--if I didn't tell people they wouldn't know today).

The worse things got, the more self-conscious I became. I knew people on campus were talking about me and why a former dancer now stiffly limped around the quad. My hands swelled up and began to disfigure. I couldn't walk in high heels anymore. I lost a lot of weight (actually, that wasn't so bad) but I also lost all muscle tone (that was bad).

I didn't feel pretty or attractive at all.

To make matters worse, I became completely uninterested in sexual activity. Frankly, it hurt too much to fool around.

To his credit, MB was really good about most of it. He didn't press things too much and he understood why I clutched his hand in a really weird way when we went out. I'll never complain about how he dealt with the RA.

Until the night he decided he needed some action and went to the strip club.

There are few things in this world to which I am unequivocally morally opposed. Selling sex is one of them. Call me a prude or whatever, but I think prostitution or any of its derivatives is absolutely repugnant. I can stomach most "sexual eccentricities" (I don't engage in them but when I think about others doing so it does not make me physically ill). I have no tolerance for a woman (or a man for that matter) selling her body. And I have no tolerance for men (or women) who are willing to pay for the experience.

(Can you tell I took Sex Ethics for my religion Senior Sem?)

But putting that aside, if you know your girlfriend is stricken with a chronic deforming disease and you've talked about how unattractive she feels do you really think the best thing to do is go to the strip club with the guys?

It accomplishes nothing (other than destroying the trust that should be present in an intimate relationship). It's not like the strippers will finish you off so you have to do it on your own time which men do anyways. The only difference is you are now thinking about some other woman's ass in your face.

To say I was hurt would be an understatement. MB could have backhanded me and it would have stung less. Of course in the end it bit him in the ass because it only made me even more sexually reclusive than I already was. I didn't want him to even look at me because I was afraid he was comparing me to the lithe, able-bodied women at the strip club.

We broke up a few weeks later because I could not trust him anymore. Maybe that was irrational of me, but when it comes down to it, if he did something that bothered me that much the relationship was not meant to be.