Mr. Gigantic One-Eyed Wonder Weasel

...my ex-fiance was not.

But he did have an eye for younger women, which was odd, considering I am 18 months older than he is (a fact he lied about when we first met but this was minor compared to the other lies he told so I'm not going to make a big deal about it). By younger though, I don't mean a year or two or even five (which at the time would have still been jail bait). Nope, we're talking a good eight to ten years younger than he was. Teenagers, and not the "barely legal" kind.

He also never actually acted on his looking(to the best of my knowledge)--he is not a pedophile--he just liked to allude the the fact he was in an effort to score "cool points" around "the dudes".

Roger dude, you have your dirty little secret. Please do not share it with my sister's boyfriend. You know it is going to get back to my sister and then her mother and the next thing you know, my entire family knows you're slightly sketchy.

Oh, but he did.

We had driven to southern Virginia to visit my grandparents. My sister and her boyfriend met us there and we went to a popular nearby amusement park. As we were walking from one ride to the next, my ex-fiance nudged my sister's boyfriend, pointed to a girl and said "check her out". He did this several times in fact. My sister's boyfriend, who is far from classy but evidently classier than my ex, looked at girl and was like "dude, she's 14".

My ex-fiance's response?

"If there's grass in the field, play ball."

Yeah, and if you play ball with a girl who is younger than jailbait, don't be shocked when you get shot by her daddy or thrown in jail by the cops.

Dirty little secret

I got home from Marathon Monday at the gym tonight and checked the mail...bills, one of those coupon mailers (baby, we're going to Don Pablos this weekend!) and a package. Yes, it was addressed to the previous occupant of the apartment but it felt like a DVD and I had some time to kill before the boyfriend got off work.

So I'm on the phone with a friend and I'm carefully tearing into the envelope (as to not ruin the manicure that I got on Saturday morning--it needs to last through Easter) trying to see what my new movie is.

Then I start screaming.

It's porn. Girls Gone Wild-esque.

So I hang up and immediately call RGB and she points out that Girls Gone Wild is a series and you get one DVD every month so I'm now in the porno of the month club. Sweet.

It sort of reminds me of the time Dumdum DVR'd porno and forgot to erase it and then my friend and her boyfriend came to stay with me for the weekend and her boyfriend turned on the TV, hit the DVR button (I guess they don't have the digital cable in Minnesota) and right there on the screen was Forrest Humps or whatever. Nice.

A Real Fine Place to Start

Dum-dum wore these God-awful (I mean truly heinous) black sneakers. ALL THE TIME. It was okay in the dead of winter, I'm all about closed-toed shoes in January (or to work and stuff) but it was July and he was stompin' around in ugly black sneakers with his shorts and he looked like an absolute retard.

And it's not like he didn't own more appropriate shoes--I bought him a nice pair of brown flip flops in April, which he refused to wear because they hurt his toes.

Quit being such a fucking pussy. Geez.

Anyways, so yeah, he wore really ugly shoes and everyone laughed at him, myself included.