Happy Valentine's Day!

It's that time of year again. All of us here at LoserEx want to wish you a happy Valentine's Day. Since we've exhausted all our stories of crappy Valentine's Day presents, we've decided to give you your own crappy present to give someone else. Just print these suckers out and you have an instant crappy gift.  

You're welcome.



What Not to Buy Your Girlfriend on Valentine's Day

So, I'm probably beating a dead horse by making another bad gift post. But, it's Valentine's Day, and bad gifts never fail to be hilarious. So, suck it up and pretend you haven't heard this one yet.

What I have recieved in the past:

Fred: The first Valentine's Day we were together, he gave me nothing. The big fucking goose egg. We had dated for 6 months, so I kind of expected something, but was left empty handed. I recieved flowers from 4 other people and he still didn't take the hint. I canned his ass shortly thereafter. We got back together and the next Valentine's Day we were together, he mailed me a care package from Walmart. Now, I love Walmart as much as the next person (ok, probably much much more than the next person), but V-Day is not the time to get me Walmart knick-knacks. A box of batteries, cans of soup and beef jerky hardly constitutes a romantic gift. And a big stuffed dog is hardly appropriate for someone who is not a child.

Shrek: Gave me a box of chocolates. But then he ate them. Seriously, he presented me with a half-eaten box of chocolates as a gift. And the only ones left were the ones he didn't want. Why even bother?

Fruit Fly: Gave me a vase that was covered by a stuffed koala...it's hard to explain, but basically, it looked like a red plant was coming out of the koala's ass. Also, he gave me a chocolate bar that fell on the floor at work and he therefore obtained for free.

Boris: Ok, this is actually really really sweet, but a little misguided. He decided to be very romantic for Valentine's Day and got me two dozen roses, a huge box of Godiva truffles, a big heart-shaped balloon and a card. Except, he did this at school (I was 16 at the time), so I spent the entire day lugging around my Valentine's Day bonanza (my locker was way too small for the balloon and roses). Also, I was (and still am) really shy, so I didn't exactly love all the attention these things brought me. I loved the gifts, but I would have preferred recieving them at home.

At this point, I am over the idea of Valentine's Day. This year, I am just hoping for a good dinner and a lot of alcohol.

Bad Gifts: Part Trois

It's that time of year again, which means it's time for the annual "Crappy Christmas Gifts my Exes Gave Me" post. This year, I am going to do something a little different. I've already told everyone about the bad gifts I've received (here and here).

I really don't want to beat a dead horse on this one, so I am asking everyone to either e-mail me at loserexrgb@gmail.com or, post in the comments section about a bad gift that your ex has given you.

I probably can think of one or two I haven't mentioned yet that I will be willing to throw in...

BJA
I haven't been a blog member for other Christmas occasions, so I have the exciting privilege of explaining a few bad Christmas gifts I have received over the years.

One year my ex gave me a build-a-bear cat. When you squeezed its arm it would say "Meow, Meow, Meow." Cute. It's a cat.

Side note: The sound button was in the arm because String Bean put it in wrong. Don't ask me how you screw up a process meant for toddlers.

What's the point of a sound-making stuffed animal to a high school senior? I can't wear it and I can't show it off without being laughed at. To top it off, when I roll over in the middle of the night it yells at me and I wake up to the screeching sound of a mechanical mew.

I ended up giving the cat to my cousin the next year. She's five. Loves it.

Another side note: Don't give a girl the same gift you already gave her. String Bean thought this was such a great gift that he reprised the sentiment with a pink bear for the next Christmas. I haven't found a cousin who wants a bear that says, "I love you baby girl" in String Bean's voice. If you know of any takers, leave a comment.

Other gifts that should be avoided:

The sweater your mother gave you last Christmas. - Not appropriate for your girlfriend if you wouldn't wear it.
A book in a language I don't speak. - Self explanatory.You 're either not paying attention or grabbed the first book that's cover looked interesting.
A fake trip to Italy in the same envelope as a cheap gift certificate to Old Navy. - Beyond angry about this one, still. I was all kinds of excited.

RGB
Ok, I told you I had more bad gift stories.

This one is a little different because, it’s not about a bad gift I was given, but it still seems appropriate for the post.

Back in high school, while I was dating Boris, a friend of mine threw a New Year’s Eve party which included a white elephant gift exchange (I’ve recently been told this is not a widely-used term, so I will explain: a white elephant gift is one that is essentially of no use or value – a gag gift of sorts). I was incredibly excited when I heard about the white elephant part and immediately went to my basement to find the biggest piece of crap that I could wrap up.

My finding: an eagle centerpiece made of pinecones (I really don’t know how this crap gets in the basement anyway) that my mother was eager to part with. This stupid pinecone eagle was about 15” tall and TACKY. The eagle looked like he was a little special. Oh, and I threw in a pinecone eaglet as well (yes, someone made more than one of these). It could not possibly fit anyone’s decorating scheme (unless they were into tacky nature paraphernalia). No reasonable person would ever buy this or accept it as a gift.

Unfortunately, Boris was far from reasonable. When he came to pick me up for the party, I was still laughing about the eagle as I carried it out to the car in a box. I explained to him the contents of the box and how ridiculously tacky they were.

When the gift exchange began, the mother of the host stepped in and said she thought this was mean, so she threw in several good gifts that were things people actually wanted. A few of the attendees also seemed to feel bad about the white elephant idea and brought nice gifts. Basically, there were plenty of good options for anyone who wanted. I guess Boris did not want a good gift. When it was his turn, he beelined straight to the gifts and picked-out mine.

I found it to be incredibly weird that he would chose a piece of crap over something nice. But, that was nothing compared to how weird it was that he brought the piece of crap home to his parents who promptly displayed it in a very prominent location in their living room.

Parting gifts...

One month after my fiance and I broke things off for good (the second time), I got a funny call from my roommate.

"Did you know that The Cowardly Greek stopped by to drop off some things?"

"Um...no!" I thought to myself, "What on earth could he have dropped off? Last time I was at his place I made sure to get everything, because I figured that ship was sinking."

So I asked my roommate what on earth was so important that he would drive 2 hours in order to drop off (we were slightly long distance).

She told me: A vacuum, a set of hot curlers, and...a box of tampons.

The vacuum was a piece of shit, the curlers I didn't use anymore, and the tampons. Ohmygoodness....I can't get over the tampons. The subext - whether intended or not - was, "you menstrating bitch!"

The bastard drove 2 hours to my house and 2 hours back in order to drop off worthless crap. I just hope dropping off this stuff served some sort of cathartic purpose for him because no matter how much I still hate him to this day I can't get over those damn tampons...

signed,
Madame Jacqueline
Guest Blogger

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year...

It's that time of the year again here at LoserEx. That's right, it's time for the shopping extravaganza that is buying my Christmas and birthday presents (please note the plural, meaning I do not accept joint presents -- each holiday deserves a distinct gift).

Two years ago, CCG made a post about appropriate gifting, but I think it's time for a refresher course about what not to give. So, here it is, for your education -- the top 10 worst gifts I've ever received from a boyfriend.

10) Grocery store bonanza!- I once got the grocery store special for Valentine's day. It was awful. I don't want a damn Hershey bar and the obnoxiously bright Crazy Daisies. I want something nice. But if you're not going to spring for that, then at least get me nice flowers and Godiva chocolate. And also expect me to sulk about the fact I didn't get anything nice.

9) 12 pounds of cheese- Who can even eat this much cheese before it goes bad? Who has room in their fridge for this much cheese? Not me. If anyone gives me cheese this year, I am hiding it in under their bed so it rots and stinks up their apartment.

8) A shirt with ostrich feathers around the neck- Understand that while I am not always the most stylish person, I am always better at picking out clothes than any of the men I've dated. Rule of thumb for the men in my life: if you think I might like a certain article of clothing, you are probably wrong.

7) A shirt that looks like something a hooker in Eastern Europe would wear- Let's discuss the rule for clothing again: if you think it is something I might like, you are probably wrong.

6) A self-portrait- there is only one face I would enjoy commemorated in a painting, and that is my own. But really, don't give me a portrait of myself either. The worst part about the self-portrait I got wasn't that it was a bad idea, or that it was poorly painted. No, the worst part was the fact it was given to me three weeks after Christmas and since my birthday falls during that time, I somehow did not get a birthday present.

5) A moderately-priced dinner- On my birthday, you are obligated to take me to an expensive dinner. There is no way around this. This is not my gift for my birthday. This is in addition to my gift, which for the record, I would not like to receive while in the restaurant. You should give it to me before we go out because, if you are worth the two hours I must waste going to dinner with you, then your gift is David Yurman that I can wear out to dinner.

4) A shirt from Hot Topic- WHY?

3) Tacky jewelry which exceeds the size of a quarter, and is probably worth even less- If you bought it at the airport in the "Celebrate Colorado" store, then it probably is not something I want. Thanks.

2) A stuffed koala bear with a red plant coming out of its ass- This needs no explanation.

1) Nothing- The best surprise is no surprise? Yeah, maybe if you're talking about getting tested for the hiv. When it pertains to a gift for me though, it had better be something.

There it is. I do not expect to get anything on this list ever again. If I do, there will be hell to pay.

Yes, I realize this is bitchy, but so is giving me a self-portrait. Furthermore, if you want a girlfriend who is low maintenance, check out the trailer park.

You say it's your birthday.

My birthday is on Monday. When my friend Lauren asked what I wanted to do for my birthday, I told her I wanted to have a one-night stand. This was funny because I am so NOT the type to actually have a one-night stand, but it made me think about my past few birthdays and how the men in my life have chosen to commemorate them.

2003: My boyfriend at the time (who, coincidentally is my boyfriend now...long story) decided to break up with me five days before my birthday (over something stupid), then decided we should get back together the night before my birthday (which was a great birthday present), then took me to Pittsburgh to celebrate (not romantic, but halfway between Washington--where I lived--and Northern Ohio--where he lived), and then dropped off the face of the earth for a year immediately following that weekend.

2004: The man responsible for my having a good birthday had to work so my friends took me to the racetrack where I got shitty on dollar dogs and drafts and lost some money on dollar bets. Then I went to Minneapolis and got even shittier at the clubs downtown. But at least he took me shopping the next day and bought me every little obscure thing on my list, so I was happy.

2005: My birthday was on a Sunday and Dumdum had to work on Saturday. So Friday (which was our only night to take me out and get me shitty), he and one of his friends get positively shitcanned while I'm at work, forcing me to drive his drunk ass home. Then on my actual birthday we had to go hang out with his parents because there was some stupid horse race and Dumdum couldn't function if he wasn't up his father's ass. So I got shitty on Bloody Marys and acted like a complete heinous bitch to everyone and made my own fun. Hey--at least I got some David Yurman earrings out of the deal though.

2006: My boyfriend decides the Brigade Ball with the dudes (I did not get an invite) is way more important than my 25th birthday and tells me "we'll celebrate your birthday sometime, babe". And yes, he knows what a big deal my birthday is to me--I've only been sending out countdowns for the past 90 days.

Maybe I'll have that one-night stand after all...and if I don't get at least two dozen long-stems AND some expensive jewelry, he's history. (I'm serious about the roses.)

What I don't understand is I make it pretty clear to everyone when my birthday is, what I want to do for it, and what I want to get FAR in advance. I don't understand why the men in my life always seem to fuck it up. IT'S ONE DAY AND I GIVE YOU EXPLICIT INSTRUCTIONS! It's not that complicated.

'Tis the season

Since it's the last weekend before Christmas and I know the mall will be jam-packed with men who forgot that this holiday occurs on the same day every year and are trying to find what the salesguy at Zales deems the perfect gift, I figured I'd offer my stories of the worst gifts ever. Consider it "what not to buy":

• A teddy bear that you bought in August and slept with every night so now it smells like your funk
• A popsicle-maker--the plastic kind you pour juice in and stick in the freezer for a few hours
• A musical Mickey Mouse toothbrush
• a poem that you wrote, especially if you don't have a basic grasp of the English language
• The Book of Mormon, with your favorite passages marked
• A DVD that you really want
• A video you already own
• Anything stolen from the local emergency room
• Anything from Fredericks of Hollywood. Especially if it resembles something Mrs. Claus would wear in a porno.
• The necklace she asked for at her birthday six months ago that you neglected to buy.
• A gift certificate to Outback Steak House (I haven't received this one yet, but the current boyfriend has threatened me with it)
• An ugly "Y" necklace--ten years after "Y" necklaces ceased to be in style
• An "open-heart" necklace--especially if you bought her an "open-heart" necklace last year
• A Hillary Duff calendar

The sad thing is I've actually received every single one of these gifts and I've actually been forced to act surprised and delighted at each and every one. Yet every year, I agonize over what to get my boyfriend. This year I took the why-bother route. I got him a present, but it took me about five minutes to figure out what to get him. He'll like it because there will be hell to pay if he doesn't.

Plus the only thing he really wants for Christmas is to get in my pants so if I lead him on for awhile, he'll be the happiest man in the world.