LoserEx Answers Your Questions

Here at LoserEx, we consider ourselves experts on dating. And as such, we feel qualified to give out unsolicited advice. Unlike other advice columns, we're not very tactful. Actually, we're pretty bitchy. We plan to continue giving our advice to people who sound like they need it, whether they want it or not. If you actually want our advice on something, feel free to email us.

Today's questions come from The Washington Post's "Dear Prudence" chat:

Dear Prudence,

I fell in love with a married man and slept with him. Clearly one of my worst moments as a human being. When his wife found out about our affair we ended things. Somehow their daughter found out, and she has been harassing me ever since. She wrote me several long letters in which she told me how much she disliked me and how gross and pathetic I was. She messaged the letters to my Facebook friends before I made my friend list private. I think she got my phone number and began prank calling me several times a night, sometimes three times an hour around 2 a.m. I changed my phone number. Now she is showing up where I work (a department store) and coming into my area. She has done this twice. I am always hesitant to talk to her because the wife and my affair partner threatened legal action if I ever contacted them or so much as looked at one of their kids. I do not have the money to hire a lawyer to contact their lawyer. Should I accept this teenager's behavior as a consequence of the affair, or am I within my rights to find a way to get her to stop bothering me?

Restraining order. Seriously. Don't think twice about it.


Dear Prudence,

I am against torturing animals. I never thought I would need to clarify that, because I assumed most people oppose torturing animals. Then I met met my daughter's fiancé. I found out he was arrested twice as a teen for maiming and torturing animals - his own and others. He has apparently not had an incident since he has to do tons of community service when he was seventeen. He and my daughter claim his abuse of animals was a reaction to his stepfather's abuse of him. My daughter thinks it is ridiculous to care about something her fiancé did years ago. But ever since finding out, I have not been able to look at her fiancé the same way. Am I overreacting by not fully trusting him?

You're not overreacting. He's probably a serial killer.

LoserEx Answers Your Questions

Here at LoserEx, we consider ourselves experts on dating. And as such, we feel qualified to give out unsolicited advice. Unlike other advice columns, we're not very tactful. Actually, we're pretty bitchy. We plan to continue giving our advice to people who sound like they need it, whether they want it or not. If you actually want our advice on something, feel free to email us.

Today's question comes from The Washington Post's "Dear Prudence" chat.

Hi Prudie - I love your writing and now I come to you for advice. There is this girl I have been interested in. I'm sure we will get along great when we finally get together. Anyway, I keep track of her through facebook, and recently she changed some settings that allowed me to see a bunch of her pictures. Needless to say, I was shocked. From what I can tell, she has had THREE boyfriends in the past two years. She also has lots of pictures of her in somewhat compromising positions with other girls, and also lots of pictures with alcohol. I was expecting her to be a nice clean girl, but obviously now I feel I have to let her go. Is this a normal occurrence in the young adult dating world? Or should I continue to keep trying to find the right one. Thanks!


ZOMG! THREE BOYFRIENDS?!?!?!?! SOMEBODY SOUND THE SLUT ALARM!!!!

Seriously, this girl is not some harlot for having had three boyfriends in the past two years. That averages 8 months a boyfriend. There is really nothing bad about dating men for a few months at a time (also, I am assuming she is pretty young, so she should be dating). Based on the fact that you think this is shockingly inappropriate, I am guessing these "compromising situations" are probably pretty tame. Like, maybe she is holding a drink in some pictures or wearing a skirt that exposes her ankles.

You don't say how well you know this girl in person, but based on the fact that you were horrified at the pictures of her doing what are probably normal activities for her, I am going to guess the answer is little to not at all.

I'm thinking you don't get out of the house much. You sound incredibly sheltered and seem to have no clue what normal people are like. Or maybe you're just a member of a very conservative religion, in which case, maybe you should try to meet women at your place of worship. They are more likely to share your values than the women you stalk on Facebook. On a related note, do not stalk women on Facebook. It is so creepy and no reasonable woman would want to date you after finding out you do this.

Is this a normal occurrence in the young adult dating world? Or should I continue to keep trying to find the right one. Thanks!

It is not normal for adults to stalk people on Facebook and develop weird fantasy crushes on them. It is normal for women to drink. It is probably normal for women to end up in what you consider "compromising situations." I'm not really sure what your standards are, so I can't say whether it is worth trying to find someone who meets them. However, given your strange courtship habits, I think you need to see a therapist before pursuing another relationship.

LoserEx Answers Your Questions

Here at LoserEx, we consider ourselves experts on dating. And as such, we feel qualified to give out unsolicited advice. Unlike other advice columns, we're not very tactful. Actually, we're pretty bitchy. We plan to continue giving our advice to people who sound like they need it, whether they want it or not. If you actually want our advice on something, feel free to email us.

Today's questions come from the Washington Post live chat:

Marriage for kids?: Hi Carolyn, Thanks for taking my question. I just found out I'm pregnant. I'm slowly getting to be very happy about this news even though it was not, ahem, planned. My boyfriend wants to get married before the baby comes. But is a baby the right reason to get married? I've not always been supportive of marriage because I've seen what happens to friends when they divorced and it wouldn't have been nearly as messy if that slip of paper was not involved and they could have just walked away. If it helps, we're both mid to late thirties but haven't been together very long.

You're having a kid with this man but you don't want to get married for fear a break-up would be messy? If you do break up five years down the line, without having ever gotten married, how do you see this working out? You have a kid together. You don't get to just walk away anymore. I don't really care if you get married or not, but just realize either way you're not going to be making a clean break.

Also, if you choose to get married, please choose a small tasteful ceremony (maybe even just going to the courthouse) over a big white wedding. There is nothing tackier than a visibly pregnant bride waddling down the aisle of a church in a fluffy white gown, flanked by 7 bridesmaids. Seriously. I'm embarrassed for you just thinking about it.


Washington DC: Carolyn -- Can you think of any reason it would ever be ok for your boyfriend to hack in and read your email? Or is that pretty much always a dealbreaker?

I would like to elaborate on Carolyn Hax's response here (which was "Dealbreaker.").

If your boyfriend is hacking into your email, he does not trust you. I do not know whether this is merited, but that doesn't matter. If a basic level of trust cannot exist, you guys should not date. If you continue to date him, he will continue to read your email (trust me on this one, once that door has been opened, there is no turning back) and probably find other ways to spy on you as well. You deserve to be with someone who trusts you and respects your privacy. Your boyfriend does not. Just dump him. Seriously.

Then change all your passwords.

On a related note, if you're ever thinking about snooping through your significant other's email/text messages/voicemail/secret diary, take a hard look at your relationship. Chances are it's time to end things.

Ask Loser Ex: Giving them something to talk about

Here at LoserEx, we consider ourselves experts on dating. And as such, we feel qualified to give out unsolicited advice. Unlike other advice columns, we're not very tactful. Actually, we're pretty bitchy. We plan to continue giving our advice to people who sound like they need it, whether they want it or not. If you actually want our advice on something, feel free to email us.

Today's question comes from the Washington Post live chat:

Nashville: I'm a happily married 35-year-old woman. A few weeks ago, I was having drinks at the home of a single female friend who is prone to "oversharing" about her personal life, particularly the rather large number of men she sleeps with.. After an extra margarita or two, she persuaded me to talk about my sex life with my husband -- which is very satisfying and fun, by the way. Much to my surprise, I found myself telling her that we engage in some "kinky" activities -- I spank him, he sometimes wears panties, etc. She was absolutely shocked, told me that my husband would never be a "real" man and that he was almost certainly gay. To my astonishment, she has told several mutual friends about my confession, and now I suspect people are laughing behind our backs. I have cut off all contact with her, but I'm still worried about the firestorm of gossip this has created. What should I do?


You say your husband wears panties like it's a normal thing. And then you are surprised at your friend's reaction. You were probably also surprised that you were teased in middle school for wearing glasses/braces/suede walking shorts over tights. As your mother undoubtedly explained to you then (unless you are me, in which case, Mom selected the aforementioned suede shorts outfit), kids tease you because it gets a reaction. To make it stop, just don't give them the gratification. They will get bored and find someone else to pick on.

Your mom was partially right: yes, the teasing will end much faster if you don't acknowledge it. So, in that regard, you should own the fact that your husband borrows your underwear.

Here's where your mom was mistaken: in middle school you were teased because you were different. While some kids thrived on not being "mainstream", you most likely teased your bangs, trailer park style and wore your jeans pegged to look like every other girl in your seventh-grade class. You prefer to fit in. And that's socially acceptable.

Unfortunately, you have entered into a life-long commitment with a man who does not like to do what's socially acceptable. I cannot imagine a situation where my husband would willingly (and happily) wear my underwear. I cannot imagine a situation where I would willingly (and happily) allow my husband to wear my underwear. My quick, unscientific poll of my female friends suggest that this behavior ranges from weird, to downright nasty. My quick, unscientific poll of my husband is that heterosexual men don't want to be the woman in the relationship. This includes dressing up as a woman for your sexual pleasure.


To update mom's advice: if you want your friends to stop laughing at you behind your back, stop telling people about your weird sexual behavior. I am of the mindset that it's not my business what you are doing in a consensual adult relationship with another human being. But if you make it my business, don't be offended when I judge you.

LoserEx Answers Your Questions

Here at LoserEx, we consider ourselves experts on dating. And as such, we feel qualified to give out unsolicited advice. Unlike other advice columns, we're not very tactful. Actually, we're pretty bitchy. We plan to continue giving our advice to people who sound like they need it, whether they want it or not. If you actually want our advice on something, feel free to email us.

Today's question comes from the Washington Post live chat:

Do nice girls finish last?: It seems to me through many years of observation that the bitchiest, most high-maintenance and demanding women are the ones getting all the men, and nice girls finish last. I don't need a "provider" and don't want children, am successful, own my own home, etc. That seems to be such a turn-off to men! Is it that the bitchy/demanding/insecure ones make them feel "needed"? And why are so many husbands putting up with being nagged incessantly instead of choosing an easygoing, undemanding partner? And how do women like that let the guys know that 'yes, we still do need them'?

As soon as I read this, two things popped in my head: 1) You don't sound very nice. 2) I bet you're fat and/or ugly. Since I am probably one of those girls who is bitchy, high maintenance and demanding, I decided to ask a guy for his thoughts on your question. He said the exact same two things. Just, not in that order.

I am not going to answer your questions because I feel that your premises are invalid -- nice girls are able to find men. All other things being equal, men do not prefer to be nagged incessantly. Instead, I am going to tell you why you are unable to land a man.

First, as I mentioned before, my first thought when reading your question is that you don't sound nice. Honestly, the overall tone of your letter is bitchy and bitter. No one wants to hang out with someone who whines about how all her demanding friends can snag a man but she can't. The fact that you're calling these women bitchy, high maintenance and demanding also does not make you seem nice. I have no reason to believe that you are a nice girl. Rather, I think that you have no real stand-out qualities, so you're assuming you're nice.

Why do you think you're nice? Have men described you as nice? That is usually a euphemism for fat. Also, based on your question, I am guessing that you think high maintenance is the opposite of nice. So, based on that, I am assuming that you consider yourself ultra-low maintenance. You probably are the type of woman who doesn't wear make-up or heels or dresses. You probably don't shave your legs or get your eyebrows waxed. This is not attractive to men. Yes, every man says he wants someone who is low maintenance, but what he really means is he wants someone who isn't wearing gobs of makeup. Gobs of makeup isn't pretty, but neither is broken out skin, under eye circles and eyebrows that have run amuk. Men want women who look pretty. Being pretty means being put together, which could be what you refer to as "high maintenance".

You conclude by implying that you are an easygoing, undemanding partner. To me, this means you sit on the couch like a lump. If this is all you have to offer, you're boring. You do not sound like you bring anything to the table other than a house. And unless it is a really sweet house, it's not going to land you a man. This also contradicts the overall tone of your letter. You bitch about being single, but then swear you're so easy to get along with. You sound desperate, and desperation is only a turn-on at last call.

And how do women like that let the guys know that 'yes, we still do need them?' Don't worry about letting men know you're needy. They already know; you're dripping in desperation.