It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year...

It's that time of the year again here at LoserEx. That's right, it's time for the shopping extravaganza that is buying my Christmas and birthday presents (please note the plural, meaning I do not accept joint presents -- each holiday deserves a distinct gift).

Two years ago, CCG made a post about appropriate gifting, but I think it's time for a refresher course about what not to give. So, here it is, for your education -- the top 10 worst gifts I've ever received from a boyfriend.

10) Grocery store bonanza!- I once got the grocery store special for Valentine's day. It was awful. I don't want a damn Hershey bar and the obnoxiously bright Crazy Daisies. I want something nice. But if you're not going to spring for that, then at least get me nice flowers and Godiva chocolate. And also expect me to sulk about the fact I didn't get anything nice.

9) 12 pounds of cheese- Who can even eat this much cheese before it goes bad? Who has room in their fridge for this much cheese? Not me. If anyone gives me cheese this year, I am hiding it in under their bed so it rots and stinks up their apartment.

8) A shirt with ostrich feathers around the neck- Understand that while I am not always the most stylish person, I am always better at picking out clothes than any of the men I've dated. Rule of thumb for the men in my life: if you think I might like a certain article of clothing, you are probably wrong.

7) A shirt that looks like something a hooker in Eastern Europe would wear- Let's discuss the rule for clothing again: if you think it is something I might like, you are probably wrong.

6) A self-portrait- there is only one face I would enjoy commemorated in a painting, and that is my own. But really, don't give me a portrait of myself either. The worst part about the self-portrait I got wasn't that it was a bad idea, or that it was poorly painted. No, the worst part was the fact it was given to me three weeks after Christmas and since my birthday falls during that time, I somehow did not get a birthday present.

5) A moderately-priced dinner- On my birthday, you are obligated to take me to an expensive dinner. There is no way around this. This is not my gift for my birthday. This is in addition to my gift, which for the record, I would not like to receive while in the restaurant. You should give it to me before we go out because, if you are worth the two hours I must waste going to dinner with you, then your gift is David Yurman that I can wear out to dinner.

4) A shirt from Hot Topic- WHY?

3) Tacky jewelry which exceeds the size of a quarter, and is probably worth even less- If you bought it at the airport in the "Celebrate Colorado" store, then it probably is not something I want. Thanks.

2) A stuffed koala bear with a red plant coming out of its ass- This needs no explanation.

1) Nothing- The best surprise is no surprise? Yeah, maybe if you're talking about getting tested for the hiv. When it pertains to a gift for me though, it had better be something.

There it is. I do not expect to get anything on this list ever again. If I do, there will be hell to pay.

Yes, I realize this is bitchy, but so is giving me a self-portrait. Furthermore, if you want a girlfriend who is low maintenance, check out the trailer park.