Grow up already!

So I was reading away messages last night and I came across ABs. Quick refresher: AB is the sketchy guy who I dumped because he wore nasty boxers and google-searched me and I thought that was sketchy.
His away message was: "In line at [local bookstore] to get my copy of Harry Potter at midnight. I need a girlfriend."
Um, how should I break this gently? Any guy who spends Friday night in line at a bookstore for a CHILDREN'S BOOK is not capable of maintaining a decent relationship.
AB probably picked up his book at midnight, went home and stayed up for four more hours to read it, then looked at some kiddie porn and jerked off and fell asleep in his ratty-ass boxers. What girl thinks that sounds like her dream man?
I don't care what anyone says, Harry Potter books are for children (okay, maybe "tweens"). They are not for adults, unless said adult is a child-molester.

He's a Little Strange, But I'll Keep Him

My current boyfriend has rather strange ideas about clothing and general appearances. I'll document a few of them quickly.

His Own Appearance:

I don't think this boy owns anything that didn't come from the thrift store. While he has made some pretty good finds there, most of it consists of t-shirts that were probably free in the first place. So basically, he's paying for a shirt that the original owner got for free, which I think negates the utility of the thrift store.

He also does not own a single pair of jeans. He wears only khakis. This alone would not bother me (hey, I like khakis), but he only has 3 pairs of them and all have holes and grass stains all over them. Whenever he goes out and wants to look nice, he wears the least holey pair of khakis and the same pink striped button-down shirt. The shirt itself isn't bad, but it is really thin and he never wears an undershirt with it. So, in certain lights, you can see through it.

My Appearance:

My current hates it when I straighten my hair. He says that it looks so much better when it is wavy. Now, I'm the type of girl who straightens her hair everyday, so at first I refused to stop. I mean, I like my hair better straight--my natural hair texture is that strange mixture of straight and wavy that just looks unkempt. But after months of hearing him complain about it, I finally relented and retired my hair straightener.

Recently, he saw me wearing my glasses, because my contacts were bothering me. So now he's decided that my glasses are the cutest thing ever and that I should start wearing them all the time. This is one thing that will never happen. I hate my glasses. Hand to God, I look like Mary from Its a Wonderful Life if she had never met George Bailey.

Look Ma! No hands!

My high school boyfriend was, among other things, a neurotic--to the point that he reminded me of my grandmother, who up until that point I thought was the most neurotic, anal person on the planet.

The ex had this bizarre quark: he refused to touch food with his hands. This includes fast food, french fries and other normal finger foods. I distinctly remember that during long road trips I would have to feed him his McDonald's french fries. It wasn't that he was afraid of germs or anything like that. He was just terrified of having grease or food residue on his fingers.

Weird, no?

Seems I've Made the Right Decision

My last post inspired me to make a "Where are they now?" entry to tell all my good post-break-up stories.

Boris- Since we broke up, he went to college, graduated with a degree in mathematics and computer science, and is currently looking for a job. During his time in college, he was a very active member of a medieval battle club. Their annual event was to go to a "war" which was about two weeks long, in the woods somewhere. Geeks of all ages would unite to have mock battles all day. A girl there sent him a love note, requesting he meet her somewhere, but he blew her off.

Fruit Fly- Graduated high school, went to college, got a driver's license (still no car), and became a huge pot-head. Before going to college, he was sleeping with some gimpy girl who had the clap. He has spent his time at college sleeping with everything that walks (or hobbles) and has a vagina (or anywhere else to put it- I think he may have started going for men). He still has a million pictures he painted of me in his apartment, which made his most recent girlfriend jealous. She was also mad that he was still madly in love with another ex (not me) who lives a few states away. I want to meet the girl he is madly in love with, but she hates me, because my loserex called her my name in bed. Oops. Eric says she is beyond ugly. I can't say one way or the other though, since I have never seen a picture. I still find it hard to believe that he really loves this girl like he says he does. If he really did, he wouldn't be sleeping around with everyone else in the world.

Shrek- I think he said it better than I ever could. Check out the last entry if you don't believe me. One post break-up moment that sticks out for me is the online conversation we had about 6 weeks after the break-up. I guess when he found out I was dating someone else, he realized I had no intention of coming back to him. So, he sent me a bunch of IM's inquiring as to whether or not I had (or rather, accusing me of having) cheated on him with the guy I am currently dating. The conversation went something like this:

Fatass: Were you f*cking your neighbor before or after we broke up?
Me: Neither, thank you. I started dating my neighbor after we broke up, and my personal life no longer concerns you.
Fatass: I don't care who you're with, but it is my business whether or not I need to get tested for an STD.
Me: You know I never cheated on you, don't even try to pull that card. You're just being bitter.
Fatass: I heard you're talking shit about me.
Me: What did you hear?
Fatass: that you said I'm an asshole
Me: Well, you are.

It went on like that for a few minutes, then ended with him asking when he should bring some of my stuff over. I told him that I would send some people to pick it up from his dorm, since there was no way I was letting that ogre anywhere near my room.

Since this conversation, he went on to fail out of school, which was somehow my fault (awesome, I never knew I had so much power). If you want to know what happened to him after that, just read his livejournal, as it is just too ridiculous for me to even begin to explain.

See guys, I'm the best you'll ever have, and your pitiful lives will go to hell without me.

Hey RGB-

What ever happened to the guy who blamed you for flunking out of college? Just curious.