I hate nice guys. There, I said it. Every guy in the world bitches that girls say they like nice guys, but then never go out with them. They whine that they want girls to admit they like assholes. Fine, here it comes: I like assholes. Granted, 90% of the guys who make this claim are not, in fact, what I would consider to be nice, and are either huge jerks, or have some other reason that makes them undateable (e.g. they’re obese or ugly). But, as for the 10% of guys who make this claim and actually are nice, I just want to say that I would never date any of you either.
The nice guy is one who is a complete push-over. He is nice to everyone, and he is controlled by everyone. He allows himself to be completely whipped by a girl who doesn’t even date him, as evident in his claims that he “is always there for her when she complains about the assholes she dates” or “goes out of his way to take care of her.” Look, you might think this makes you a catch, but you’re wrong. If you’re willing to let someone who is not dating you have so much power over you, you’ll basically let anyone have that power. You’ll develop deep intimate friendships with other women while we’re dating (and according to Triver’s Parental Investment Theory, this is more hurtful to women than you having an affair). You’ll blow me off for our Friday night plans at the last minute because little Suzie-just-a-friend has broken-up with her “asshole” boyfriend. You’ll have to comfort her, since you’re just such a nice guy.
When I date a guy, I want his full attention. I do not want to compete with the other women in his life. As far as I am concerned, there will be not other women in his life (with the exception of relatives) while we are dating. Otherwise, he is a crappy boyfriend with whom I will never truly be happy. You might think this is unreasonable, but hey, I'm not the one who can't get a date here.
The other problem with Mr. Nice Guy is his complete inability to stand-up to anyone. I want a guy with balls. I want someone who will stand-up to his friends when they talk shit about me. I want a guy who will figuratively throw down the gauntlet and challenge the jackass (even if it is his best friend) who slighted my honor to a duel. Hell, bonus points if he does it literally.
I could go on forever about how a nice guy is just undesirable. But, since I am just so nice myself, I am going to give you a few tips on how to actually get the girl:
1) DO NOT HAVE TONS OF FEMALE FRIENDS! I cannot stress this enough. If you can’t live by this, then at least don’t let them hang all over you, and don’t be friends with the slutty ones.
2) Stand-up for me. Really, grow some damn balls and stand-up to your bitter alcoholic, gossipy, conniving bitch of a friend.
3) Don’t let yourself become whipped by a chick with the idea that it will make her fall in love with you. Yes, I like to boss guys around, but I do not respect the ones who let me do it without dating me. If you let me do it, and we’re not together, I can assume you let everyone do it. I like a challenge. I want to work towards having you whipped, don’t give it all up too soon. This is the male equivalent to a woman having sex on the first date. If you do this, we will not respect you, and not want to date you.
4) Do not tell me you’re a nice guy. I hate this. I will think you're lying. If you say it, I will just think you’re a huge ass, and are bitter that you can’t get a second date (maybe even a first). Even if I believe you, this still isn't a good situation because, I (duh) don't like nice guys. I don't care about how every girl has dicked you over because you're just too nice. This is so desperate sounding, and I don’t date for charity.
5) No whining. Please. Only chicks do this. If I wanted to hear whining from my significant other, I would be a lesbian.
That covers the biggest issues. Of course, there are more ways to not be the nice guy no self-respecting woman would even consider dating, but it’s about time you took the initiative and did something for yourself. Find it out on your own. I’m not your damn life coach.
...and yes, this same entry is posted on my other blog.