Date of the Week: Heights and Sites!

This week's date is going to involve some serious advanced planning, but will give you some of the best views of the city. So, start booking!

First up, the Washington Monument. You can obtain tickets for the tour if you get here early in the morning, but you're better off just ordering them online in advance. The tour is free, but the online tickets to have a small service fee. Also, they will come to you in a rather plain-looking envelope, so make sure you don't throw them out by mistake. I would take a tour later in the afternoon, maybe like around 4, that way you can make early dinner reservations at 5:30.

Make sure you arrive a little before your tour time and wait out front for the park ranger running the tour line. Once you're sent inside, you'll wait a few minutes in the marble lobby for the elevator to come back down. The ride up takes 70 seconds, which feels like forever on an elevator, especially in DC where the buildings are all short, but the tour guide will fill the time with all sorts of interesting trivia. Although, if you get the same one I did, you will cringe every time she says the name of the monument (I really hate when people pronounce the name of our first President as if it had an "R" in it).

As the tallest building in Washington, DC, the monument has amazing views. Seriously. There are windows on all four sides of the monument, and each has a handy little picture above with the important buildings labeled, so you can sound like you know what you're talking about in front of your date. Also, you will realize how flat the city actually is. Bring your camera, these are the best views you will ever see (unless you're really rich and can afford a helicopter tour). Anyway, after you check out the great views, you can take the stairs down to the museum-y part of the tour and read all about the history of the Washington Monument before getting in line to ride the elevator back down.

The ride down is the best part of the tour because, you get to see all the innards of the structure. And, trust me, this is way cooler than it sounds.

After the tour, head north on 15th Street for the second-best views of the city. I'm talking about Point of View at the newly-opened W Hotel. You will need to make dinner reservations to get in here, but you can do that on Open Table. Unfortunately, this is not the bar at the Hotel Washington you remember (and long for). No more are the days of freely walking through the lobby to the elevator to sit on the balcony, $12 martini in hand, gazing out at the monuments. OK, well, they still have expensive drinks and great views, but now they have a very closely guarded elevator. While I am not a fan of the snooty revamp of my favorite bar, I have to admit, the views are great.

So, make yourself a reservation and get up there to enjoy the views. Linger around a little after dinner and have another drink. If after dinner, you decide the reincarnation of the Hotel Washington bar is too pretentious for your liking, you can always pop next door to Ebbitt's. In fact, you should do this anyway. Even if you do have drinks at Point of View first.

Date of the Week: Garden Party!

This week's date is full of fancy old-timey things, and includes plenty of time outside. Since it's still warm outside, this is a good weekend to take advantage of the great weather. Start the day off by meeting for lunch at Blue Ridge Restaurant in Glover Park. In addition to great food, Blue Ridge also offers old-timey cocktails and punch bowls. Of course, you and your date probably shouldn't drink an entire punch bowl by yourselves, so save that for when you bring your friends.

After lunch, take a walk down Wisconsin Ave to the beautiful gardens at Dumbarton Oaks (here's how). The garden entrance is located at 31st and R. The gardens don't open until 2pm, so you'll have plenty of time to get there after lunch. Admission is $8 a person, pr $5 if you're a student. There are dozens of different gardens, and they're all amazing. You can easily spend hours here. There are plenty of shaded areas, especially in the informal gardens, making the hot and muggy DC summer less miserable. Plus, it's so big, you won't feel crowded. Another bonus: you will see wildlife in the city other than rats (yucky!).

Once you're finished seeing all the gardens, it's time for a drink. And after spending all afternoon on manicured grounds of a gorgeous mansion, the usual Bud Light just isn't going to cut it.

The entrance to Dumbarton Oaks is just a few blocks away from Cafe Bonaparte. This French restaurant is known throughout DC for it's amazing champagne cocktails. And after a long day of walking, you deserve one. Or more. I won't judge you if you drink more.

Talk Dirty to Me

I am the most awkward and unsexy person ever. If I try to say something dirty, it ends up just sounding funny. Most of the men I've dated are just as awkward, so the dirty talk tends to not happen in my relationships.

Fred was one of the more awkward people I've dated. Except, he never seemed to realize his own awkwardness. So, he tried to say dirty things to me. It was terrible and uncomfortable for all parties involved.

One of his favorite lines was "Ooo baby, baby!" He said it exactly like Salt-N-Pepa do in "Push It." Seriously. He even squeaked a little at the end of it. And this wasn't a one time thing. He did it all the time while we were dating. Each time, I gave him a weird look. But, he seemed completely oblivious. I'm not really even sure what he meant by this. Maybe he was complimenting me. Maybe he was trying to arouse me. Perhaps, he was just singing his favorite 90's song. I really don't know.

The thing is, whenever he looked at me and said "Ooo baby, baby!" I started imagining the rest of the song in my head (do do do do do dododododo). For some reason, thinking of this song then makes me think of the song from Revenge of the Nerds. So, instead of thinking about dirty sexy things, I'd find myself thinking "Clap your hands everybody..."

And this was about as arousing as a fat, sweaty man in a banana hammock.