Your Song

Fred is completely tone deaf. It’s awful. I have never heard anything quite like him trying to sing. It sounds like a chain-smoking buffalo being tortured. I’m kidding. I’m sure a chain-smoking buffalo can carry a tune better than Fred can.

There is no description I can give here that would truly give his lack of singing ability justice. If you have never heard it, I can’t even begin to explain just how truly horrible it is.

The best I can say is that when he sings, he sings the same note over and over, completely unaware (or unable) to change notes with the song. Every song sounds identical when he sings it. Also, he smokes about 2 packs a day, and his voice sounds like it. Plus, he kind of whines when sings. And he is LOUD. So, imagine a loud, whiney, scratchy, atonal song with the lyrics all wrong and that is what Fred sounds like.

Of course, Fred is not a total moron (I swear he’s only mildly retarded) and is quite aware of his lack of talent in this area. In fact, he finds humor in his complete inability to carry a tune. So much so that he often subjects unsuspecting victims to his vocal talents. It is so bad that I used to make fun of him when he started to sing by singing even louder than him in a retard voice.

That’s right, tubby. I was making fun of YOU when I did that.

Knowing that he cannot sing, and that everyone in the world finds his attempts at singing utterly repulsive, Fred decided one night to put on a karaoke performance for a bar full of people. The song he chose: “Bohemian Rhapsody.” *Sidenote: I hate this song more than anything in the world. It is absolutely stupid and annoying. Furthermore, it annoys me that every ignoramus in the world thinks so highly of it. Do not leave me messages defending this piece of crap. Nothing you can say will make me like or appreciate this song.*

I am not a fan of karaoke myself, but it seems the general rule of thumb is to choose a song that is upbeat, fun, and above all, SHORT. As expected, as soon as the song began and the entire bar heard Fred start to sing, the bar went outside to take a smoke break. For some reason, no one kicked him off stage at this point.

About five minutes into the song, people started to return from their breaks, took one step inside, heard Fred’s awful voice, then ran back outside for another cigarette. Fred had effectively ruined everyone else’s night out. I’m sure he was completely oblivious to the dirty looks he was getting from the entire bar for the rest of the night.

Seriously, Fred, it would have been funny to sing something short. You know, “haha, that guy can’t sing.” That’s funny for about 2 minutes. That way, everyone has realized that you are tone deaf, and can go home and tell all their friends about how terrible it was. Any longer and you’re just being mean. Furthermore, you probably made the bar lose a lot of business that night.

My heart goes out to the poor bartenders who were stuck with having to listen to Fred for the full ten minutes. I hope Fred at least bothered to leave them a decent tip that night. Although knowing him, that’s not likely; he was notoriously cheap.