You say it's your birthday.

My birthday is on Monday. When my friend Lauren asked what I wanted to do for my birthday, I told her I wanted to have a one-night stand. This was funny because I am so NOT the type to actually have a one-night stand, but it made me think about my past few birthdays and how the men in my life have chosen to commemorate them.

2003: My boyfriend at the time (who, coincidentally is my boyfriend now...long story) decided to break up with me five days before my birthday (over something stupid), then decided we should get back together the night before my birthday (which was a great birthday present), then took me to Pittsburgh to celebrate (not romantic, but halfway between Washington--where I lived--and Northern Ohio--where he lived), and then dropped off the face of the earth for a year immediately following that weekend.

2004: The man responsible for my having a good birthday had to work so my friends took me to the racetrack where I got shitty on dollar dogs and drafts and lost some money on dollar bets. Then I went to Minneapolis and got even shittier at the clubs downtown. But at least he took me shopping the next day and bought me every little obscure thing on my list, so I was happy.

2005: My birthday was on a Sunday and Dumdum had to work on Saturday. So Friday (which was our only night to take me out and get me shitty), he and one of his friends get positively shitcanned while I'm at work, forcing me to drive his drunk ass home. Then on my actual birthday we had to go hang out with his parents because there was some stupid horse race and Dumdum couldn't function if he wasn't up his father's ass. So I got shitty on Bloody Marys and acted like a complete heinous bitch to everyone and made my own fun. Hey--at least I got some David Yurman earrings out of the deal though.

2006: My boyfriend decides the Brigade Ball with the dudes (I did not get an invite) is way more important than my 25th birthday and tells me "we'll celebrate your birthday sometime, babe". And yes, he knows what a big deal my birthday is to me--I've only been sending out countdowns for the past 90 days.

Maybe I'll have that one-night stand after all...and if I don't get at least two dozen long-stems AND some expensive jewelry, he's history. (I'm serious about the roses.)

What I don't understand is I make it pretty clear to everyone when my birthday is, what I want to do for it, and what I want to get FAR in advance. I don't understand why the men in my life always seem to fuck it up. IT'S ONE DAY AND I GIVE YOU EXPLICIT INSTRUCTIONS! It's not that complicated.