Men are pigs and women are bitches. I don't know which came first, but they sort of drive each other.
Tonight I went to the bar with my sister and a friend. It was a fundraiser event for the fire department so the place was swarming with firemen and fire skanks. The three of us were probably the only respectable women in the bar (at least we were the only ones who weren't acting like complete whores).
Full disclosure: my ex-fiancee is a firefighter. I know the culture pretty well--or at least well enough to know that I wouldn't hook up with another firefighter if he were the last man on earth. Even removing my boyfriend from the table, every man in the bar had a snowball's chance in hell with me. To signal this, I stuck my ring on my left hand--boom--I was married.
But firemen aren't know for their intelligence.
A fireman who knows my friend came up to our table and introductions were made.
This particular fireman was on duty, wearing a uniform and just "dropped by to check out the party." Yeah right. He dropped in wearing a uniform to see if he could tag a fireskank in between his off-duty friends taking turns. Dumdum had a certain penchant for doing this too--he preferred some bar called Orange Balls though.
Being who I am and having an audience and a little bit of cider in me, I smiled real sweetly and asked "did you bring your truck? Oh, can I have a tour?". I see his eyes light up like only a man's who is about to get a handjob in the backseat can and he leads me out of the bar.
At this point, everyone at the table thinks I'm pursuing him except for my sister who knows me too well and knows damn well that I am going to get to play on the engine for awhile and then the poor fireman is going to have to buy me a beer and then I am going to simply leave the bar without talking to him again. This is actually my favorite bar activity--hands down.
Sure enough, I go downstairs, spend about ten minutes playing with the lights and sirens and putting on turnout gear and generally entertaining myself and having a good time while fireman is practically licking his lips. Then I decide to drop the bomb on him:
Him: "So, you seem to know a lot about fire fighting, what did you, date a fireman or something?"
Me: [starting engine] "Nope, I was engaged to one."
Him: "One from [name of department which current fireman also works for]?"
Me: [turning lights on] "Yep."
Him: "Who?"
Me: [putting helmet on my head] "Not important. Hey, will you take my picture?"
Him: "So you two broke up or something?"
Me: [turning everything off] "Yeah, he wasn't ready for commitment and he got really fat--it is better this way."
Him: "Good for you, you should go out and get yourself a hot piece of something."
At this point, it is blatantly obvious that he is insinuating he is the "hot piece of something." Please.
Me: [climbing down from truck--in three inch heels, no less] "I already have one."
Him: "Oh?"
Me: [handing him his helmet] "Yeah, okay, well, thanks for the tour. That was fun. Bye!"
And I ran back into the bar.
An all-star night would have been if I got him to buy me and my six closest friends shots and give me cab money (I actually did that to some LTC once--and then the LTC ended up stationed at the same post as my boyfriend and we ran into him at a ball and THAT was awkward as hell), but unfortunately, there were only three of us and the bagpipes were on my nerves and I wanted to leave so I didn't even press this guy for a beer. I should have taken one for the team-I suck.
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3 comments:
Girl, you crack me up.. that was hillarious!
I love firemen.... in fact my boyfriend is a fireman and he is such a sweety.... and I quite frankly consider myself to be a respectable women.... you got some guts... i guess because my boyfriend is a fireman he is stupid????? And because I am dating him that makes me a shank???? I'd like to see you run into a burning building to save someone... oh wait.... you're in politics... you helped GWB get re-elected.... now i don't know, but I think you might be the stupid one.
Your reading comprehension is a bit off:
I did not say that the girlfriends of firemen are skanks, if I said that I would consider myself a skank (since I was engaged to one) and I don't. What I did say was the bar was full of skanky women looking to score themselves a fireman. It sounds like you already have gotten yourself one so congratulations. As a profession, firefighting is among the most honorable (as are nurses and military personnel).
I did not say anything about your respectability. I am glad that you consider yourself respectable (although certainly your willingness to trash-talk someone you have never met before may suggest your actions aren't always so); as the saying goes, no one can love you until you love yourself. You sound like you have a healthy self-esteem and I applaud you for that.
I also did not say firemen were stupid. Again, this would be calling myself stupid because my grandfather was a fireman and intelligence is genetic. I said firemen are not known for their intelligence. On the whole, they are known for their bravery, selflessness and honor. Let's compare that, however to brain surgeons who, again, on the whole, would be generally considered intelligent by virtue of their chosen profession.
Furthermore, I don't really see how the President of the United States or his intelligence really plays into any of this. To the best of my knowledge, he was not at bar that night. But I will say that the fact that he won the election I worked on (both of them actually) pays testament to the fact that I am at least competent at my job and thus intelligent enough to have gotten myself this far.
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