Ask Loser Ex: Giving them something to talk about

Here at LoserEx, we consider ourselves experts on dating. And as such, we feel qualified to give out unsolicited advice. Unlike other advice columns, we're not very tactful. Actually, we're pretty bitchy. We plan to continue giving our advice to people who sound like they need it, whether they want it or not. If you actually want our advice on something, feel free to email us.

Today's question comes from the Washington Post live chat:

Nashville: I'm a happily married 35-year-old woman. A few weeks ago, I was having drinks at the home of a single female friend who is prone to "oversharing" about her personal life, particularly the rather large number of men she sleeps with.. After an extra margarita or two, she persuaded me to talk about my sex life with my husband -- which is very satisfying and fun, by the way. Much to my surprise, I found myself telling her that we engage in some "kinky" activities -- I spank him, he sometimes wears panties, etc. She was absolutely shocked, told me that my husband would never be a "real" man and that he was almost certainly gay. To my astonishment, she has told several mutual friends about my confession, and now I suspect people are laughing behind our backs. I have cut off all contact with her, but I'm still worried about the firestorm of gossip this has created. What should I do?


You say your husband wears panties like it's a normal thing. And then you are surprised at your friend's reaction. You were probably also surprised that you were teased in middle school for wearing glasses/braces/suede walking shorts over tights. As your mother undoubtedly explained to you then (unless you are me, in which case, Mom selected the aforementioned suede shorts outfit), kids tease you because it gets a reaction. To make it stop, just don't give them the gratification. They will get bored and find someone else to pick on.

Your mom was partially right: yes, the teasing will end much faster if you don't acknowledge it. So, in that regard, you should own the fact that your husband borrows your underwear.

Here's where your mom was mistaken: in middle school you were teased because you were different. While some kids thrived on not being "mainstream", you most likely teased your bangs, trailer park style and wore your jeans pegged to look like every other girl in your seventh-grade class. You prefer to fit in. And that's socially acceptable.

Unfortunately, you have entered into a life-long commitment with a man who does not like to do what's socially acceptable. I cannot imagine a situation where my husband would willingly (and happily) wear my underwear. I cannot imagine a situation where I would willingly (and happily) allow my husband to wear my underwear. My quick, unscientific poll of my female friends suggest that this behavior ranges from weird, to downright nasty. My quick, unscientific poll of my husband is that heterosexual men don't want to be the woman in the relationship. This includes dressing up as a woman for your sexual pleasure.


To update mom's advice: if you want your friends to stop laughing at you behind your back, stop telling people about your weird sexual behavior. I am of the mindset that it's not my business what you are doing in a consensual adult relationship with another human being. But if you make it my business, don't be offended when I judge you.