Careful Where You Swing That

Despite having gone to a reputable college, Fred still does not have a basic grasp of the English language. The one thing which annoyed me above all else was his inability to correctly pronounce the word “ask.” He would pronounce it as “axe.” This lead to many situations in which I was embarrassed to introduce him to anyone I know. I didn't want people to think I was dating a retard.

This did, however, make for some hilarious conversations.

Him: “I axed him about it, but he never got back to me.”
Me: “I don’t blame him. If you went all Lizzy Borden on my ass, I wouldn’t want to talk to you again either.”

or

Him: "I'll axe tomorrow."
Me: "Did you accept a job as a lumberjack?"

or

Him: "Did you axe yet?"
Me: "Do I look like Paul Bunyan to you?"

or

Him: "I'll axe"
Me: "You'll axe what? That wood in the backyard?"

or

Him: "I axed everyone there..."
Me: "This is beginning to sound like a B horror flick."


I used to have a ton of these, but right now I can't seem to remember very many.

I asked him numerous times to please learn to speak like he had at least an iota of intelligence and class. I begged and pleaded with him on this issue for two years. At first, he would roll his eyes and repeat the sentence, emphasizing the word "ask" to the point where people around us would snicker at him.

After awhile, I suppose he realized his years of New Jersey trash upbringing could not be corrected by me, so he brought to my attention the one linguistic fact he had ever learned.

"It's a holdover, pronouncing it as 'axe.' That's how people said in in Elizabethan times."

Congratulations, Dr. Dumbass. Now I don't think you sound like a derelict, I think you sound sophisticated, like you are reciting Shakespeare to me. Oh baby, read me a sonnet.

In case you haven't noticed, no one speaks in Middle English anymore, Asstard.