For the Movies

Fred lacked the common sense and cultural awareness necessary to make him a socially functional person. I’m sure this has been made abundantly clear already.

He would constantly do retarded things that made absolutely no sense, and could have been avoided if he would just take his fat head out of his smelly ass.

For example, one time he was over at my apartment and noticed a pile of unopened NetFlix on my table. He decided that he absolutely had to know what movies I had ordered, so he opened them.

Now, let me just say that while some people may take offense to someone else opening their mail, I would not (unless the mail were a bill, a paycheck, or something else that was clearly personal). So, in theory, I have no problem with someone checking out my NetFlix, even if it means opening a sealed envelope.

What I do have a problem with is someone opening the envelope inappropriately. For all three of you who do not subscribe to NetFlix, they come in little red envelopes that they can also be sent back in. On the front of the red envelope, there is your address, the return address, a large, black dotted line over a perforated line, and a large, bright yellow rectangle which says “open on this end” and has arrows pointing to the perforated end on which the envelope is to be opened in such a way that it can still be resealed and mailed back in to the distribution center.

It seems a little silly that they would have to tell you which end to open. If you have seen one of these before, then you know it is intuitively obvious to 99.99% of the population. Fred is in the 0.01%.

When I came out of the bathroom, Fred announced that he had looked at my NetFlix. I glanced down at my table and saw the envelopes ripped open across the middle. All three of them, destroyed.

I asked why he had opened them that way when there were explicit instructions on how to open the envelope. He remarked that he didn’t notice that, and that he didn’t wanted to open them anyway, he just wanted to peek at what they were. Great, so “peeking” at them involved ripping the entire back of the envelopes open.

When I was ready to send them back, the envelopes were completely destroyed, but since Fred refused to give me postage to pay for the pre-paid envelopes he destroyed, I had to tape them back up. I was ashamed when I had to bring my summer camp arts and crafts-esque pieces of crap to the mailbox.

Now the NetFlix guys think I ride the short bus.