When Bad Stories Attack

This is my first post on this blog. Yay! And boy, do I have some great loser-ex stories to share with my fellow bloggers and readers.

For my first post, I'm going to tell you about Ex.1, or "String Bean," a slimey SOB with a propensity to find other girls to play with while I was away at college. He earns the nickname String Bean due to his inability to gain weight. I swear, the boy weighed less than I do, and I'm not a big girl. He was a good ten inches taller than me, too.

I'm prompted to share my story of how I dumped this particular man because his most current ex and I have been exchanging ridiculous stories of him now that she finally clued into to his lack of brain power. It's a little amusing to be able to recall some of the stupid things he did, and to then find out that he continues to pull the same stunts!

What is it that makes boys believe they can get away with cheating by trying to come up with a cover? It doesn't work, and it's especially ridiculous when they think they've pulled the wool over our eyes with some fancy story-telling. They seem to think that if they tell us "what happened" with enough enthusiasm, we'll accept it no matter how unlikely it may sound. Allow me to share the final straw of String Bean and the reason I am thrilled to be able to call him a "Loser-Ex."

I was away at college, and my soon-to-be-ex was moving out of his parents home for the first time. I could call it growing up, but it's too much of a stretch for him, so I won't. He moved in with my best friend, a guy who I had known for nearly six years. My friend and I are close, and very little gets past him that doesn't make it's way to me. This made it even sillier that he actually thought he could get away with what happened.

The fact that he was living with my best friend didn't stop String Bean from taking advantage of his new place and all the freedom and free women surrounding him. Late at night "Friend" came home to discover that String Bean's shower had some strange noises coming out of it. Turns out a lady-neighbor had come over to meet String Bean and Friend, and... well, she got to know her new building mate a little too well. "Friend" opened the door just to be sure, saw what was happening, and immediately made a telephone call.

Now, cheating is horrible, regardless of circumstance. But what truly sets String Bean above and beyond the normal cheating ex was his cover story. When I called, the pathetic excuse of a man wanted to explain himself to me.

"You don't understand baby. [Friend] doesn't know what he saw. [Lady-Neighbor] had come over with a friend of hers, and the two of them got pretty drunk. They wanted to take a bath and I was concerned that they were going to drown, so I joined them in the bathroom. She's a lesbian, and those noises that [Friend] heard weren't me. They were the two girls."

Are you kidding me? Could the story have been any more ridiculous? String Bean was trying to cover his illicit sexual encounter with a neighbor in the shower by trying to tell me that his neighbors were lesbian sluts who go at it in new neighbor's apartments.

Fortunately, I am not the idiot String Bean took me for. I think my exact response was... "In the effing shower? You know what, don't call me anymore. Not only are you a lying, cheating, asshole, but you're a complete imbicile who can't even come up with a plausible cover story. You're more stupid than I ever imagined. Hey, know what else? I faked it. Everytime."

I don't like to think of myself as vengeful, but that felt good. Not to mention I suppose being honest can't count as revenge. String Bean was a compulsive liar. And for not coming up with a better story, he's also a completely incompetent loser.