So, after reading RGB's comment on my last post, I got to thinking. Why is it that I am infinitely harsher and crueler to the ex's that didn't hurt me? I mean, the cowboy--essentially a nice guy. Not for me, but a nice guy nonetheless. We broke up. It wasn't a painful breakup. Neither of us were particularly affected by it. Well, at least I wasn't. I can't be quite sure about him. But for some reason, I feel the need to ridicule him on a blog, point out his flaws, and generally try to portray him as a fool (which he really kinda was), safe behind the anonymity of the internet.
The breakup with Drunk Ex on the other hand destroyed me. I cried for days, drank heavily, and refused to go to classes. I was a mess. I would freak out every time I heard his name and to this day I allow very little discussion of him even though he is still good friends with a good number of my friends. Last New Years, I found out that he had had an enormous crush on one of my best friends while we were dating. He even made a move, but, thankfully, she was a good friend and shot him down. But she didn't tell me about it. So when I did find out, it hurt me all over again. It prompted questions like "Why wasn't I good enough?" and "What does *good friend* have that I don't?"
The point is that this boy hurt me over and over again, but for some reason I only make one, not really very critical post about him. I mean, sure the post is sorta mean, but when you compare it to posts I make about the Ex's that I never really cared about, there is definitely a difference. You can see the same pattern with the other Ex's that hurt me really badly: the high school ex who wouldn't touch food with his hands, the college ex that didn't know how to order wine. What I write about them just isn't as mean as what I write about others.
If you will notice, RGB is the most critical of Ex#3, the Ex who hurt her the most. Why am I different? Why am I the least critical of the ones who hurt me the most? Is it because maybe I blame myself for the failure of the relationship?
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2 comments:
I think it's just much harder to write about things which were actually hurtful. I definatly write the most about Ex 3, but the majority of the posts about him are about how he smells bad, or how he lost my calculator, or how he wears free t-shirts. I avoid addressing the things which actually made him a bad person.
I do the same thing about Ugly Shoes. I mean, if you want to see some seriously fucked-up shit, see the way he treated me. I mean this dude sent me to therapy (until my therapist told me not to come back because I was not the one with problems) and the only thing I can say him was he wore ugly shoes. There isn't enough space on the internet to say how horrible he really is, but that's a part of me that I have compartmentalized and have no desire to go anywhere near there.
But that's why it's Loser Ex and not Our Exes Deserve to Rot in Hell. I think the "rot in hell" stories are substantially less entertaining than little anecdotes about waking and baking. The fact that there are men out there who think jorts are acceptable date attire is funny. Lying to a girl about going to help out in a situation that is incredibly close to your family just so that you can get out of pre-marital counseling because you're too much of a coward to just tell the girl it's over is sad.
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